Unwielded Words

If I used my words well, like my dear friend urges;

Then our conversation would have looked different.

If I had been obedient,

To the gentle tugging

On my twisted insides,

Maybe we both could have grown in understanding.

But instead,

I spoke swiftly with a stammer,

Figited too much,

Rushed through my answers,

Avoiding your eye contact.

The consequences are real.

Sitting here, wishing I’d been bolder;

That my normally brazen nature;

Filled with unfiltered ideas hadn’t fallen short.

Surely I’ll make excuses

Because I can’t stand the guilt,

Or swallow the truth for that matter.

For now the pendulum swings

Between disappointment and hope

Knowing it doesn’t rely on my ability to perform

Wishing it was easier to tell the truth;

The truth about You.

Lyrics

Prompt 13

I’m a sucker for one-liners. I like to hear people zing witty banter back and forth and I love hearing short, profound sentiments. I think that’s why I love music so much. Every day I listen to music, all day. I’d like to think I have a healthy appreciation for most genres, and consider myself a music aficionado. However, the reality is I just latch onto musicians that other people like and based on their lyrics and sound, love them or leave them.  That has been the case for my most recent musical obsessions. For example I found my love for Mumford and Sons and The Civil Wars based on (cower in shame) episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, and my love for Sara Bareilles based on this blog post.

I find so much satisfaction in listening to these artists sing sweet melodies and spill out poetic verses, hooks and bridges that seem to explain where I’m at so perfectly. It’s as if they stepped right into my mind and plucked out how I feel about Jesus, my relationships, and the direction of my life. Often the actual subject matter of the song has nothing to do with what I’m experiencing but somehow these artists use a few lines to sum up the pages and pages of my Moleskine that I’ve filled trying to decipher what I feel.

Won't somebody come on in and tug at my seams?/ Oh, send your armies in of robbers and thieves/ To steal the state I'm in I don't want it anymore

I know that she is singing about a man and pleading to get over him. She calls herself a basket case and gives examples of why she loves him. That couldn’t be farther from MY situation except for maybe the basket case part. I have a loving and faithful husband, but those lines are closer to home than I’d like to admit. I NEED to be moved out of the state I’m in; I’m pleading in a similar way to be pushed, pulled or dragged into a better state of mind. Truth is for months I’ve been struggling to mutter a prayer for myself other than, Please, Father be patient with me.

I’m balancing between a desire to dive deeper and thinly veiled apathy. I want to be robbed of fear and insecurity. I want shameful and painful memories to be stolen.

I hold on to worry so tight/ It's safe in here right next to my heart/ Who now shouts at the top of her voice/ Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice

I’d rather stop worrying and move forward in freedom. I want what I should believe to be what I really believe instead of cluttered with questions and doubt. I realize it’s all a bit dramatic but I’m okay with that. For now, I’ll sing along to popular songs and plead their melodic prayers until I feel closer to where I need to be. I'll rely on poetic verses and concise lyrics to say it better than I can because something is better than nothing. 

Track One

Whenever I get together with my “FCA” friends, it is always a joyous event. I call them my FCA friends because it kind of explains how we all know each other. Basically we’re a group of women spread all over the Midwest who love Jesus and each other. We are/were all athletes, most of us college athletes who at some point and time got involved with FCA. During college we would use any excuse to gather together for weekends of ridiculousness, sleepless nights, and worship. Since college our gatherings have gotten fewer and farther between but the quality is still unbeatable. There is still ridiculousness, like when I tipped on our night kayak session. We have all grown quite a bit fonder of sleep but there are still a few late night conversations and even though the nature of our time together has changed there has been one consistent event that occurs at least once when we gather. We worship. KP gets out her guitar and occasionally we throw in a djembe. We sing the usual songs, Come Thou Fount (in southern accent), We are Hungry, and a few others. Then, like clockwork, we harass KP to play her songs, the ones she wrote about life and her family. KP is always a little hesitant. Sometimes all it takes is a request and sometimes we need to slow clap to get her going but my favorite is when we all chant track one. Track one of our favorite playlist. Sure it only consists of three songs and they all have actual titles but we all affectionately remember track one.

The crew minus a few.

Track One has been our anthem of sorts. We sang it at the barn who knows how many times. We sang it the night we gave KK her book, at school street and in the parking lot of UNO. We sang it as we sat in California days before AP’s brain surgery, the day of her wedding. It was particularly poignant that day. As we sat there filled with joy and excitement and fear and anxiety we worshipped. When track one was requested there was no hesitation, smiles spread across all of our faces. KP started up and we sang with a capo so I could sing my comfortable tenor harmony (thanks for coming down an entire octave for me guys). SB made sure to point out that her favorite parts were coming up and we all laughed. I fought the lump in my throat the entire time. I needed track one that day. I needed some consistency, some sort of sign that everything was going to be okay. I needed to hold fast. I love track one and I love the people I sing it with. It is a perfect prayer for me and one that I pray for all of you.

He loves us and has set us free,

From our sins and has made us whole again.

His kingdom reigns on high,

And because of Him we will never die.

Hold fast to the fire in your heart,

Open the door and embrace My love for you,

Walk with Me in garments pure white,

You are worthy to be called a child of Mine.